I Have PMS And A Gun. Now What Were You Saying?


Have you ever found yourself sat opposite somebody at a restaurant, or even your own dinner table, and they chew slightly too loudly for your liking? You try to ignore it but you can feel your blood boiling and the only thought that runs through your mind is: ‘that human being is the most disgusting thing i have ever seen in my whole entire life, have they never come across the concept of etiquette?’ Then you find yourself deliberating over which piece of cutlery you wish to jab into their face. Does that sound familiar? Taken out of context, this sounds psychotic or like something only guests on The Jeremy Kyle Show would experience; “You ate your Maccy D’s too loud, so i had sex with your brother in his caravan and now i’m pregnant with his inbred child.” However, i’m sure most women have experienced this, at least once a month. Hormones are a woman’s worst enemy; not only do they cause us to hate the World and everybody in it but they pose problems for our own egos. It was only last week when i was in a shop and I wanted to rip out some Northern girl’s cheap, straw-like extensions  What had she done? She’d asked me to move out of the way. Yes, she was pushing her million unfathered children in a pram and running over everybody’s feet and yes, she was probably on the way to the benefit office to pick up her cheque, after which she would go home and spend it all on the corner shop’s finest Special Brew. However, I don’t think her inability to contribute to society deserved the level of hate I gave off. If I hadn’t been in a stage of PMS, her harsh voice and grotty appearance wouldn’t have bothered me. Hormones really are a dangerous thing; up until 1970 the French recognised this, with a ‘crime passionnel’ being a valid defense during murder trials. So if you were a woman who had caught her husband in bed with some hoe whilst you were PMS-ing, you could murder them both and claim you had an uncontrollable strong impulse to kill them. No wonder France were forced to surrender to Germany during WWII; their soldiers were too preoccupied with having to stay alive in a society full of hormonal women. Well, that and the fact that most French troops probably thought a rifle was a type of odorous cheese. It’s not just the uncontrollable rage that’s an issue though; it’s the irrational behaviour that follows. As a typical woman, I think i’m right all the time and find it difficult to admit when i’m wrong. However, in a hormonal state my thoughts become so irrational that if I don’t apologise to people for my behaviour, i’m sure they would have me sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Here lies the problem and the inevitable dent to a woman’s ego. Do we REALLY want to have to apologise to everybody who has crossed us when we’re on our hormonal war path? Do we REALLY want to have to admit we were wrong and that our actions were in fact bordering on psychotic? I think i can speak for most women when i say, in a hormonal state, that would be the worst thing ever. It’s quite unnerving how women, who are supposed to be peaceful and caring, could for one week of the month rival the most dangerous men on the planet in terms of their ability to induce fear among the masses. Given the choice of Vin Diesel or a PMS-ing woman who is brandishing a sharp implement, i know which one i’d rather piss off.

By: Laura Hindley – @LauraHindley2


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