On that rare day you may get off from work, you slowly drag yourself downstairs and switch on the TV whilst vegetating on the sofa for the entire morning. When channel-flicking your ears experience a sudden sense of terror because unfortunately for them, as well as your brain activity, you appeared to have stumbled upon The Jeremy Kyle Show. As upstanding members of the community air their dirty laundry on National Television, whilst screaming such things as “You ‘ad sex wiv ma Brother, Mum and Dad, whilst I was servin’ time in prison for stealing Tesco Value rice an’ now I want a DNA test for ma three bairns!”, you find yourself wondering ‘How on Earth am I part of the same species as these people?
“Men are going to have a hard time pleasing a woman in the emotions department…”
The general consensus, amongst Scientists, Psychologists and people in general, says that each individual is different and behaves in their own unique way. There is also an area of Psychology that says women and men have differently wired brains, rendering their logic to be the polar opposite of one another. A Psychology named Simon Baron -Cohen, cousin of comedy legend Sasha, suggested that the developmental disorder known as “Asperger’s Syndrome” is a manifestation of an “extreme male brain”; systemising cognition, mechanistic thinking and treating others as if they were logical machines. If this is true men are inevitably going to have a hard time pleasing a woman in the emotions department because women logic is said to exhibit characteristics such as empathising and even treating machines as if they were other people; explaining why women feel the need to name their car and cry when they have to sell it. To save you from a lifetime of mismatched logic with your girlfriend, this article serves to aid you in your understanding of women logic. Not only will this get you on the object of your affection’s good side but will also give you the insight into a woman’s brain that most men strive all of their life for.
“It should be pointed out that women mean about 5% of what they say.”
Most importantly, it should be pointed out that women mean about 5% of what they say. When you are sat on the sofa, engaging in a romantic evening of cuddles and “The Notebook” has come on the TV, you may be tempted to switch over to the football. Whilst she is sat there pretending to be fully immersed in Ryan Gosling’s ruggedness, she is actually secretly waiting to see what you will do. If she says “No i don’t mind, it’s up to you” when you question the choice of programme, it actually means “you dare pick up that remote and we won‘t be having any ‘adult time‘ for weeks”.
“…upon which you will return home from work one day to find your childhood teddy bear armless and sat sweating in a boiling pan of water…”
Linking with this is the way women find out information or to be more accurate, confirm what they already know in their head. Women have a fifth sense – it’s like ESPN or something (any man who appreciates this reference deserves to master women logic, forever) – and always know deep down if you are deceiving them. When a woman says “No I really don’t mind, I just want to know the truth. I’ll respect you so much for just being honest with me” it is a blatant twist of the truth. Whilst the part about wanting to know the truth rings true, she will not respect you. She will probably plan her revenge for months, upon which you will return home from work one day to find your childhood teddy bear armless and sat sweating in a boiling pan of water on the hob.
“If you then lie to her face, expect to be hacked to death with her stiletto…”
Generally when women ask questions, they already know the answer and are testing to see how you will respond. “Do you still speak to your ex? I really don’t mind, I trust you” should be answered truthfully. It actually means she has psychotically hacked into your Facebook and seen that you do and is contemplating how best to kill you in your sleep. If you then lie to her face, expect to be hacked to death with her stiletto there and then. It should also be pointed out that during this heated exchange, if a woman says “what?” it is not because she didn’t hear you, it is because she wants you to change your answer as she doesn’t fancy spending the rest of her life in jail for first degree murder.
“Never give women options; they change their mind too much anyway…”
You can never give a female options, either. If you want to see her, just tell her that. Saying “oh well it’s up to you, you can come round if you want” makes a woman feel like a burden. You may as well have slapped her across the face with a wet fish. Never give women options; they change their mind too much anyway and so taking charge is the best policy here. Although, there is a fine line between taking charge and demanding she make you a sandwich as she is supposed to be “an extension of the mother”.
“…the ‘extreme female brain’ is the essence of paranoid schizophrenia.”
Interestingly, whilst Baron-Cohen hypothesised about the “extreme male brain” two Psychologists called Crespi and Badcock argued that the “extreme female brain” is the essence of paranoid schizophrenia. People suffering from paranoid schizophrenia attribute minds and thinking where none exist, such as when they believe other people are talking or conspiring against them when they aren’t. I know there will be a large number of you letting out a sigh of “ohhhh!” when reading this because it explains why your girlfriend constantly thinks that any other female who looks in her direction is thinking that she resembles Free Willy. Having provided you with a reliable insight into woman logic, being a female myself, I would advise you to note it all down in your brain and keep it locked away safe for when it’s needed. Bragging to your girlfriend about how you now possess powers to trick her into making you sandwiches on demand is never going to serve well, for your relationship or general health prospects.
By: Laura Hindley – @LauraHindley2