When we break-up with somebody, apart from burning every item we have of theirs in a voodoo style ritual to render them with boils all over their weasley-looking face, we spend a lot of our time wondering why on Earth we endured their company for so long. We spend a lot of our time reminiscing; reliving the early days of the relationship and always coming to the same mind-boggling conclusion: why on Earth did I not see that they were tapped in the head? I know how irritating that can be, for yourself as well as your friends who have to listen to your drunken slurs about how “you knew he was a psycho” because “he made a separate Facebook account for his penis” and then “uploaded pictures which added at least four inches onto his poor excuse for a dick.” To save you the bother, this blog is aimed to inform you of tell-tale signs to identify a potential emotionally unstable partner who will render the relationship a joke unless you kick them to the curb ASAP!
1) They like all of your Facebook pictures before you’ve even been on your first date. You can be pretty sure that during this process they will have sussed out which pictures involve your ex and will have taken an online seminar on body language, just to work out at which point in time you and your ex stopped having sex. If they have taken this a step further then you can be confident that if you scrolled through their phone, they will have saved their “favourite” pictures of you to their gallery. By “favourite”, I mean ones which they wank over on a daily – even hourly – basis.
2) They question “bitches who be commenting on your wall.” Anybody who falls on the attractiveness scale at anything above a 6, they will automatically see as a threat. Be prepared to be held and fork-point over the dinner table of a romantic restaurant and questioned until you cave in and admit that the “blonde bimbo who has clearly photoshopped her boobs to be a 32D when they are probably a 34A” who posted a comment saying “hi babe, you okay?” is a previous conquest from five years ago.
3) They say “I love you” after three weeks. Now it may just be me but I think this is the biggest sign that somebody is completely beyond emotionally unstable. Apart from the whole situation being absolutely cringe worthy, you cannot be in love after three weeks of dating – especially considering you will have only seen that person a handful of times for a few hours. You just know this type of person is going to be one who is a clinger and we don’t want no clingers.
4) They speak in third person. I doubt they have the swag of The Rock and so this is never an okay thing to do.
5) They consult their Mum on every decision throughout the day. By every decision, I do mean what they should have for breakfast. I understand that you may want to speak to your Mum every day, however you just know that somewhere down the line they will resent you for not making them the sandwich they demanded hours ago.
6) Their Twitter picture is an egg. Unless you are dating Humpty Dumpty, this person probably isn’t who they say they are and it wouldn’t be surprising if they channelled the likes of Ted Bundy and Ian Brady.
7) They still aren’t over Princess Diana’s death. IT HAPPENED FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, PEOPLE! If you go round to their house, anticipating a romantic evening in cuddled up on the sofa, and the first thing you see when you walk through their front door is a mantelpiece filled with Princess Diana pictures and newspaper cuttings then you know this one is tapped in the head. The sticky marks you can see on the photo frames probably haven’t come from eating too many sweets, either.
8) They think it’s acceptable to use pet names during sex. Example: Snugglebunny, put your carrotstick in my grassy burrow. If this happens, you need to pull the Jenna Marbles face immediately to get rid of them. If you do not know which face I am talking about then you have clearly been wasting your life and should rectify this RIGHT NOW.
I hope this helps to open your eyes to the psycho you are perhaps dating. I genuinely wish I had been lucky enough to read these eight pointers before embarking upon some of my past relationships; it would have saved me enduring years of absolute psychotic behaviour and whilst we’re on the topic, time spent teaching people how to actually be good at sex as gently stroking somebody’s knee whilst repeating “oh baby, oh baby” is not going to give them an orgasm. Just saying.
By: Laura Hindley – @LauraHindley2