How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

Annoying Orange

After being shown some funny memes on the Internet by my geek of a girlfriend, I was inspired to write a blog about the things people do which render them annoying and inevitably friendless.

1) Borrowing an item of clothing and when you finally return it, it has been stretched from a size 8 to a borderline size 12/14. Now, I understand that you may have eaten one too many burgers and are now piling on the pounds but I really did pay £30 for those shorts from Topshop and I am very protective over my clothes. The fact that I could fit both of my my legs into one of the leg holes now is not cool, nor is it cool that you have given them back and pretended like it was always a normal occurrence for me to wear elephant sized shorts.

2) Texting me for the sole reason of ranting about your life. I am a good friend and I will always be there to talk to my friends when they are in need of advice, however there are two fundamentally important aspects to what I just said. Firstly, the world “friend”. You are not a friend if you ask me how I am and then ignore my answer to tell me that you got so drunk last night that you turned up at your ex boyfriend’s house and mistook his Mum for him, proceeding to slur how much your heart is broken because he is now fucking the village bike. Secondly, the word “advice”. These individuals always text me for advice and when I tell them it is never a good idea to take pictures of themselves half-naked with their ex’s “best friends”, they do not listen. Go figure.

3) Asking to read my essays “just to see the structure” and then getting the same mark as me. Just because you have the intelligence of a tampon and the creativity of a mop, does not mean it is okay to steal my super-original ideas. I don’t know how these people sleep at night.

4) Asking me how many sugars I have in my tea and then when I say none, putting one in because “trust me, you’ll like it”. Oh my good god, NEVER interfere with how a Northerner has their tea. Ever. Tea is a Northerners crack. Imagine you are Russel Brand and somebody asked you what drug you wanted to snort up your weasley nose. If you replied “coke”, I think you’d be super annoyed if somebody went “alright, well i’m going to cut it with custard powder, flour and dandruff – TRUST ME, you’ll love it”

5) Preaching to me about my life choices, when you are in fact living your life as a moral-less hussy. Alright, you don’t approve of my choice in girlfriend/boyfriend. Alright, you don’t approve of my choice in music taste. Alright, you don’t approve in my choice of job. However I probably am not going to take any notice of what you say if, like Kat Slater, you spread your legs for the whole of Albert Square and contribute as much to life as Magikarp does to the Pokemon world.

6) You say you’re wanting a “girls night out” and then spend your entire evening pouting at anything that vaguely resembles a male, including Butch Brenda over there who’s propping up the bar with a pint of Stella in her chubby hand. Get your shit together and have some self respect.

Now when reading this, one of two things will have happened. You will have spent the whole time thinking “oh my god, I know somebody like that!” whilst rejecting their constant calls and turning your Facebook chat to “offline” because they keep harassing you, probably wanting to tell you about their life issues and ask which picture you think they look the best in, so they can put it as their profile one. Needless to say, it will be an awkward conversation as their make-up choice is questionable; think the product of a Clown rubbing its face onto another Clown’s behind. Alternatively you will have frantically grabbed a pen and paper and taken notes because you want to be THAT person. You want to opt out of the human race and see this as your last ditch attempt to shake off the cretins that inhabit the Earth.

{NOTE TO SELF: I think I was PMS-ing when I wrote this…}

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