I’m a Northerner trying to make it in the big wide world of London, which means that when I return home to my countryside bumpkin patch, I have to make the difficult decision of either being skint for weeks due to extortionate train fairs or having to endure five and a half hours on a coach, which most of the time smells like a mixture of sweat and nappies. As i’m a girl who chooses pretty clothes over food/water/oxygen, it isn’t surprising to hear that I opt for the second option, enabling me to fund a Topshop shopping spree on my return. This is what I’m currently doing as i’m typing this. Most of the time I can just about tolerate the nappies and sweat but today I’m finding it hard to relax and not punch my fellow passengers in the face. This may be due to the fact that I am PMS-ing, who knows, but it got me thinking about all the things I’d do if I were Prime Minister because let’s be honest, people are fucking weird and something needs to be done to prevent the human race from descending into some mutant generation with little common sense and no teeth.
Firstly, I would bring in a law that enables coach passengers to pay for the amount of seat they use. Take my current journey for example – I am sat next to an obese woman whose excess skin/fat is flopped over my leg. I have paid the exact same amount as her, yet she is getting half an extra seat. Something needs to be done about this! I would suggest two different buses; one for thin people and one for fat people but I think segregating humans based on certain characteristics doesn’t really help society – just look at Nazi Germany. I’d rather not end up in a Country where a closeted-gay Dictator was culling numbers based on who he did and didn’t fancy. Plus, I don’t really find blondes attractive anyways.
Secondly, I would introduce a sort of human muzzle for people who really shouldn’t be allowed to talk e.g. George Bush, Nick Griffin, Piers Morgan, Katie Price etc etc etc. I definitely think it would prove to be effective. Just think, if George Bush’s Dad hadn’t had the ability to charm his wife/sister into having sex with him, George Bush Jr. wouldn’t have been produced and a number of the current problems in the World wouldn’t even be issues.
Thirdly, I would kill David Cameron and the majority of his Party. I don’t really think an explanation is needed here.
Next on my list would be mobile phones. I actually hate how people have this constant need to be texting/tweeting/facebooking. Oh my god, get up of your bum and go and have face-to-face contact! Why are so many people socially inept?! It’s fucking weird. I’d bring in a law that forced phone manufacturers to introduce a function where the phone exploded if you used it more than a certain amount. Or one that shouted “you’re a sad lonely cunt, go and make some friends” at you. Suicide rates may increase but at least there would be less mobile phone use. Winner.
Finally, I would make people whose eyes are really far apart get them moved closer together. There’s no need for it and it freaks me out. So what if you lose a bit of sight, it’s just considerate for all of those involved. Trust me.
I could actually go on for days. If I ever run for Prime Minister, I will factor this blog into my manifesto. “Vote For Me, I Hate Everyone So You’re In Safe Hands”.
By: Laura Hindley – @LauraHindley2