I studied Psychology as a degree and vividly remember making desperate and numerous attempts to complete my ‘Psychology of Mental Health Essay’, which ironically gave me many mental health issues. Couple similar stressful situations with PMS-ing and imagine the hell my ever-so-patient girlfriend has to endure, bless her. She now resides in Broadmoor Mental Health Hospital for the Criminally Insane and believes she is Santa Claus, for those who are interested.
My essay centred around a case study of a boy named Zac, who had really messed up things happen to him. I mean, the guy was seriously fucked up. Imagine how you’d feel towards a kitten who had been starved, beaten with a brush and shaven to look like a chicken. Now times that by a thousand and that’s how sorry you end up feeling for him. To cut a long story short, he was now exhibiting symptoms of schizophrenia and psychosis as a result. Upon reading the case study, I found myself gradually becoming more disturbed. But this wasn’t for the fact that Zac was hearing voices telling him to murder his abusive Father, nor was it for the fact that he had been sectioned under the mental health act and was now being pumped full of drugs. No, ladies and gentleman, I became disturbed by the very fact that symptoms this ‘insane’ individual was exhibiting reminded me very much of myself. But when i thought about it, I actually realised that the same applied to a number of my friends. Using my amazing psychological deductive techniques, I came to the conclusion that I, as well as a number of my friends, am not psychotic; i’m just an Aries. ‘Bollocks!’ I hear you cry. I am aware of the lack of validity horoscopes hold but i’m not referring to the daily ones that tell you ‘prince charming may be round the corner if you answer the phone to a mystery caller on Wednesday, or perhaps Thursday if you’re wearing a blue top’.
Generally, Aries people tend to be the most arrogant fuckers you will ever meet. This is for two reasons. Firstly, they think they’re right all of the time and most probably think they are the most amazing human being to walk the face of the Earth. This Delusion of Grandeur can be seen in many psychotic patients believe it or not. Okay, the differences lie in the context of these delusions with some of these psychotic individuals believing that they are magic unicorns who have the ability to sprinkle sparkly dust over the population to restore peace amongst all human beings. But as different as the type of delusions are, there is definitely an element of being superhuman present in both sets of people. Secondly, Aries people lack empathy. They really cannot feel sorry for most people and really do not care who knows this fact. A quick word of advice: if your pet, extremely distant third cousin- twice removed or favourite celebrity dies, do not go to an Aries looking for a cuddle and a shoulder to cry on. Chances are you’ll get laughed at, not because they feel awkward, but because they think you’re actually pathetic or they will tell you ‘nevermind, want to watch Eastenders? I hear Pat Butcher dies tonight!’. This trait is present amongst a lot of psychopaths and sociopaths too. Of course i’m not comparing Aries individuals with the likes of Ted Bundy or Hitler (Hitler was one day away from being an Aries!) but the likeness is there.
I think the most viable argument for Aries individuals resembling people suffering from psychosis is the fact that their temper goes from placid to ‘mental bitch’ in about 0.5 seconds: even less time than it takes Nick Clegg to break a promise, impressive. Clearly this is helpful in situations where your wife has under-cooked your bacon and sausages for breakfast; she needs a good backhander in this case because it is completely unacceptable. It is also helpful in any situation involving face-to-face contact with David Cameron and his rent boy. However, in general day-to-day living it is possibly one of the most scary things to experience. Any individual who has to deal with a pissed off Aries will genuinely consider the idea that they may in-fact have Bipolar Disorder and will probably come to the conclusion, nine times out of ten, that they do.
To sum up, if you want to produce a child capable of taking over the World then start ‘romancing’ your wife around August time. A big bottle of cider and a KFC family bucket should do the trick; these English girls are so easy to please. Go up North and you don’t even have to go that far, a kebab from the local takeaway and they’re all yours. Literally. However, if you’d rather your child not get sectioned for being a potential serial killer then try to picture your other half as Jodie ‘are we sure she’s still a woman and doesn’t have a penis under all of those muscles?’ Marsh: no sex for the month should be easy.
By: Laura Hindley – @LauraHindley2