Deep Thoughts: Why Santa Claus Is Really A Woman

Woman Saata Claus

Christmas will be upon us in a few weeks. Cue the stressed shoppers clawing your hands off in Primark, Christmas songs playing on the radio and excitement surrounding the airing of the festive Coca Cola advert, or in this year’s case the John Lewis advert with the bear and the hare!

As I was pondering what I am going to do with the masses of unwanted socks and pyjamas I receive from distant relatives I have never even heard of before, it suddenly dawned on me that to pull off a successful Christmas one must be completely organised. This kind of operation takes months and months of careful planning; which cranberry sauce to choose because Auntie Edna hates seeds but then Uncle Joe doesn’t like anything tarty, which I find hard to believe whilst looking across the table at his latest choice in female company, becomes a top priority on the daily to-do list. Whilst all of these thoughts were racing around my head, I had an epiphany: folk lore has lied to everybody for generations as Santa Claus must be a woman. Here’s why…

Firstly, men generally do their shopping the day before any big event. The multitude of presents made in the North Pole cannot be put together in a slap-dash haphazardly way. Care and effort is put into every single one. A man would not do this. Let’s be honest here, men cannot even put together Ikea furniture properly without leaving important screws out for your Grandma to then break her hip whilst falling off because they have collapsed. 

Secondly, men do not wrap presents in pretty and glittery wrapping paper. You’re lucky if you even get page 5 from the Sun sellotaped around your Christmas presents, as page 3 has been repeatedly used for other important tasks and is now stuck to the floor in the downstairs bathroom. 

Thirdly, apart from males that mince around Soho with their Louis Vuitton “man bag” slung over their shoulder, what man in their right mind would leave the house wearing a red velvet suit? Even a ruggedly handsome and entirely sexy (a bit off point but always relevant) clothes-horse like David Beckham couldn’t pull that off. 

Next, I find it completely impossible that Santa Claus can navigate his/herself around the whole entire world effortlessly with no kind of GPS system. A man would become lost at some point and then would refuse to ask for directions and so would not be able to complete all of the present deliveries. Even if he did ask for directions, he would go the complete opposite way because he knows best. Of course.

Finally, imagine an old and aging man sneaking into your house and standing at the foot of your child’s bed to watch over them whilst they are sleeping. What Parent would ever be okay with that?! This is why Santa is clearly a woman; exhibiting the maternal instinct and all.

And that Ladies and Gentleman, is why Santa Claus is a female.

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