With Facebook rapidly becoming the main social vessel for communication amongst millions of people, it isn’t surprising that the majority of users spend a lot of their free time procrastinating on it. Admittedly I am one of those sad people who sits in front of their computer screen, refreshing the page in hope that something exciting will happen – it never does. Whatever you use Facebook for – ‘mild stalking’, keeping in touch or even to just pass the time – there are unspoken rules that every user follows.
1. ‘Poking’. No matter what country you live in, or what culture you are part of, ‘poking’ somebody on Facebook means you want to, to put in simply, bang them. I would advise you to only ‘poke’ people who are DTF (if you don’t know what this means, you are too old to be reading this and therefore too old to be wondering about the politics of Facebook, you creepy old pervert!) to save any embarrassment of being rejected by not receiving a ‘poke’ back.
2. ‘Liking’ Pictures. Okay, this is a tricky one. It is acceptable to ‘like’ your friends’ pictures, of course. However if you choose to ‘like’ somebody you hardly know’s pictures, they will think you are DTF. Especially if the picture has no relevance to anything and they pretty much look really hot in it. If you’re a smooth operator like me, ‘liking’ somebody’s picture when you add them on Facebook breaks the ice and they instantly know you fancy them – which saves months of dating and gets them into bed pretty much instantly. Flattery and sex – killing two birds with one stone. Always a winner.
3. Friend Requests. Just because you have met somebody once through a mutual friend does NOT mean you need to have them on Facebook. If there is a chance you will be seeing them more frequently then it is socially acceptable. However, ‘friending’ somebody the day after meeting them, with no intention of ever seeing them again in your whole entire life is a little creepy. It implies you have no real friends and so are desperately seeking cyber friends to make up for this lack of desirability amongst the human race. Take my advice, spend less time on Facebook and more time having face-to-face social interaction. Weirdo.
4. Status Updates. For fuck sake, do not post an update telling everybody what you had for breakfast. NOBODY CARES. Similarly, do not post a million status updates a day informing Facebook of your ever-so-hectic lifestyle. Chances are, if you’re taking the time to log into Facebook to update your status so often then your life really isn’t exciting. So stop with the bravado and just accept that you are boring and your life really isn’t that important. To anybody, ever.
5. ‘Liking’ relationship statuses. “Person X went from being in a relationship to single”. Anybody who likes this is DTF. Simples. So get on it.
6. Facebook chat. There’s always that really annoying person who speaks to you EVERY time you sign onto chat. “Hi” “Hi” “How’re you?” “I’m good, you?” “Yeah i’m good. What have you been up to?” “Not much, you?” “Same”. RIGHT, was there any need for that? I swear to God some people sit on Facebook, eagerly awaiting the arrival of certain people on chat. It makes my blood boil when the social retard who evidently has no life decides to attempt to make small-talk. If you have to make small-talk with somebody, you are not important in their life and so should just give up. It really is embarrassing. Go and watch your entire collection of Star Trek, or something which doesn’t require communication because you pretty much suck at it.
7. Facebook pages. “Dear past, stop tapping me on the shoulder, I don’t want to look back.” The person who made that page and similar pages, as well as the people who join them, deserve to be shot in the face. At point blank range. With a shotgun. That is all.